Wedded Blitz

If he does the deed again, Charlie Sheen will be on his fourth marriage. I don’t think we have to speculate about why Charlie’s marriages have a tough time hitting the five-year mark. He’s been making that pretty evident over the past few weeks, so when it comes to maintaining a relationship, Charlie is duh–losing! But I’m betting he’ll give it another go. Given his lifestyle, he’s probably betting on it, too. And his reception is going to require some seriously meaningful wedding favors. I’ve found a few that should work…

Personalized Shot Glasses

Charlie, you can’t go wrong when you give your guests a heads-up on what to expect on that momentous day. I found what I consider to be the perfect personalized wedding favors! To be honest, I’m not sure if these shot glasses can actually be personalized, but at least your name is written all over them, in a roundabout, but extremely descriptive way. No one will doubt whom their celebrating. And when they use these babies at home, these practical glasses may be the source of unforgettable memories–it just depends on what condition you’re in when you leave the reception. It’s possible you may have absolutely no memory of the occasion, no matter what favor the happy couple offers. And, if a guest happens to have memories of the reception they’d like to forget, this favor can definitely help.

The Real Guest of Honor

Though I’ve never been to one of Charlie Sheen’s weddings, or parties of any kind, for that matter, I imagine the most popular gathering place wherever Charlie parties is the bathroom. Really. Two or three hours after his parties begin, guests probably have to take a number to get in there. (At least, I hope they’re trying to make it to the porcelain bus before the hors d’oeurves become unauthorized wedding decor.) If they don’t bring Two and a Half Men back (and I so hope they do!), Charlie can make quite a fortune selling tickets to his bathroom during parties. To pay homage to this shining essential in the Charlie Sheen party planner–behold the bowl. These Charlie-inspired favors are cute, cautionary and just a little bit creepy.

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First, Lolly! Then Folly!

Aren’t they adorable? And at this particular wedding, I’m thinking they’re, by far, the most practical wedding favor the couple can offer to thank their guests for sharing the day. Considering Charlie’s probable guest list for his next wedding, I’m making the obvious assumption that the entire adult film industry will take a holiday to help Charlie pop the cork on his fourth wobbly walk down the aisle. These life-saving “lollipops” are pretty, practical, and most of all, protective. Order them by the gross, Charlie, and don’t forget to add personalized stickers to make the magic last.

I leave you, Charlie, with a poem written by Edna St. Vincent Millay, who apparently shares your philosophy:

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends–
It gives a lovely light!