Seriously. A recent blog post at YourFuneralGuy.com suggests that, because funerals have evolved from their somber beginnings to all-out celebrations, people are now hiring wedding planners to plan funerals.

This revolutionary concept has captured my imagination, and I simply cannot resist sharing with you my somewhat twisted perception of a funeral put together by a wedding planner.

 

Dearly Beloved…

Beautiful flower arrangements fill the (church, funeral home, bar, or the appropriate venue.) Weddings and funerals do have flowers in common, along with a guest book and pen. The guests are escorted into the venue by ushers while an organist entertains with a playlist of the deceased’s favorite music. When all the guests are assembled, our organist begins to play “Here Comes the Bod.”

The March Down the Aisle

The pallbearers enter carrying the coffin. Like bridesmaids, the pallbearers are style- and color-coordinated.

They’re also wearing boutonnieres. When the officiant asks, “Who gives this body to be buried,” naturally, they all answer, “We do.”

The casket is chosen like a bridal gown—something that fits the deceased’s style and personality. The coffin below might be perfect for a sci-fi/fantasy fan. Let’s assume it’s an open casket. The guest of honor is wearing a “See You Later!” button.

 

After the officiant says a few words, he or she says “If there is anyone who would like to share memories of (John or Jane,) please speak now or forever hold your peace.”

The Party Goes Live!

After the service, the celebration begins, with music, a light buffet, a toast to the happy corpse and, of course, the cutting of the cake. Before the guest of honor and the mourners leave the venue to travel to the graveside, they are each given a funeral-themed favor filled with delicious treats.

The Graveside Service

After a final, short prayer, the coffin is lowered into the ground as family and friends remove the rose petals from the tulle bags they were given when they arrived at the cemetery and scatter them on what can now only be described as the guest of honor’s getaway vehicle, to which someone has attached angel wings and a tiny harp at the bottom. With the deceased well on the way to that final destination, the guests go home with their funeral favor and the comforting feeling that it wasn’t them.

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